Welcome to TiddlyWiki created by Jeremy Ruston, Copyright © 2007 UnaMesa Association
<!--{{{-->
<link rel='alternate' type='application/rss+xml' title='RSS' href='index.xml'/>
<!--}}}-->
Background: #fff
Foreground: #000
PrimaryPale: #8cf
PrimaryLight: #18f
PrimaryMid: #04b
PrimaryDark: #014
SecondaryPale: #ffc
SecondaryLight: #fe8
SecondaryMid: #db4
SecondaryDark: #841
TertiaryPale: #eee
TertiaryLight: #ccc
TertiaryMid: #999
TertiaryDark: #666
Error: #f88
/*{{{*/
body {background:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
a {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
a:hover {background-color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}
a img {border:0;}
h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {color:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryDark]]; background:transparent;}
h1 {border-bottom:2px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}
h2,h3 {border-bottom:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}
.button {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::Background]];}
.button:hover {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; border-color:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryMid]];}
.button:active {color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryMid]]; border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::SecondaryDark]];}
.header {background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
.headerShadow {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
.headerShadow a {font-weight:normal; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
.headerForeground {color:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}
.headerForeground a {font-weight:normal; color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryPale]];}
.tabSelected{color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]];
background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryPale]];
border-left:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];
border-top:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];
border-right:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];
}
.tabUnselected {color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
.tabContents {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryPale]]; border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}
.tabContents .button {border:0;}
#sidebar {}
#sidebarOptions input {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel {background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryPale]];}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel a {border:none;color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel a:hover {color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel a:active {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]]; background:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}
.wizard {background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryPale]]; border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
.wizard h1 {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; border:none;}
.wizard h2 {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; border:none;}
.wizardStep {background:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];
border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
.wizardStep.wizardStepDone {background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}
.wizardFooter {background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryPale]];}
.wizardFooter .status {background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}
.wizard .button {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; border: 1px solid;
border-color:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryPale]] [[ColorPalette::SecondaryDark]] [[ColorPalette::SecondaryDark]] [[ColorPalette::SecondaryPale]];}
.wizard .button:hover {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; background:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}
.wizard .button:active {color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; background:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; border: 1px solid;
border-color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]] [[ColorPalette::PrimaryPale]] [[ColorPalette::PrimaryPale]] [[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]];}
#messageArea {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::SecondaryMid]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
#messageArea .button {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryPale]]; border:none;}
.popupTiddler {background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryPale]]; border:2px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
.popup {background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryPale]]; color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]]; border-left:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]]; border-top:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]]; border-right:2px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]]; border-bottom:2px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}
.popup hr {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; border-bottom:1px;}
.popup li.disabled {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
.popup li a, .popup li a:visited {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; border: none;}
.popup li a:hover {background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; border: none;}
.popup li a:active {background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryPale]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; border: none;}
.popupHighlight {background:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
.listBreak div {border-bottom:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}
.tiddler .defaultCommand {font-weight:bold;}
.shadow .title {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}
.title {color:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryDark]];}
.subtitle {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}
.toolbar {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
.toolbar a {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}
.selected .toolbar a {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
.selected .toolbar a:hover {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
.tagging, .tagged {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryPale]]; background-color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryPale]];}
.selected .tagging, .selected .tagged {background-color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]]; border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
.tagging .listTitle, .tagged .listTitle {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]];}
.tagging .button, .tagged .button {border:none;}
.footer {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}
.selected .footer {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
.sparkline {background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryPale]]; border:0;}
.sparktick {background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]];}
.error, .errorButton {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; background:[[ColorPalette::Error]];}
.warning {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryPale]];}
.lowlight {background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}
.zoomer {background:none; color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]]; border:3px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
.imageLink, #displayArea .imageLink {background:transparent;}
.annotation {background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; border:2px solid [[ColorPalette::SecondaryMid]];}
.viewer .listTitle {list-style-type:none; margin-left:-2em;}
.viewer .button {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::SecondaryMid]];}
.viewer blockquote {border-left:3px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}
.viewer table, table.twtable {border:2px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}
.viewer th, .viewer thead td, .twtable th, .twtable thead td {background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryMid]]; border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}
.viewer td, .viewer tr, .twtable td, .twtable tr {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}
.viewer pre {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryPale]];}
.viewer code {color:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryDark]];}
.viewer hr {border:0; border-top:dashed 1px [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]]; color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}
.highlight, .marked {background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]];}
.editor input {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
.editor textarea {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]]; width:100%;}
.editorFooter {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
#backstageArea {background:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
#backstageArea a {background:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; border:none;}
#backstageArea a:hover {background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; }
#backstageArea a.backstageSelTab {background:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
#backstageButton a {background:none; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; border:none;}
#backstageButton a:hover {background:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; border:none;}
#backstagePanel {background:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; border-color: [[ColorPalette::Background]] [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]] [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]] [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}
.backstagePanelFooter .button {border:none; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}
.backstagePanelFooter .button:hover {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
#backstageCloak {background:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; opacity:0.6; filter:'alpha(opacity:60)';}
/*}}}*/
/*{{{*/
* html .tiddler {height:1%;}
body {font-size:.75em; font-family:arial,helvetica; margin:0; padding:0;}
h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {font-weight:bold; text-decoration:none;}
h1,h2,h3 {padding-bottom:1px; margin-top:1.2em;margin-bottom:0.3em;}
h4,h5,h6 {margin-top:1em;}
h1 {font-size:1.35em;}
h2 {font-size:1.25em;}
h3 {font-size:1.1em;}
h4 {font-size:1em;}
h5 {font-size:.9em;}
hr {height:1px;}
a {text-decoration:none;}
dt {font-weight:bold;}
ol {list-style-type:decimal;}
ol ol {list-style-type:lower-alpha;}
ol ol ol {list-style-type:lower-roman;}
ol ol ol ol {list-style-type:decimal;}
ol ol ol ol ol {list-style-type:lower-alpha;}
ol ol ol ol ol ol {list-style-type:lower-roman;}
ol ol ol ol ol ol ol {list-style-type:decimal;}
.txtOptionInput {width:11em;}
#contentWrapper .chkOptionInput {border:0;}
.externalLink {text-decoration:underline;}
.indent {margin-left:3em;}
.outdent {margin-left:3em; text-indent:-3em;}
code.escaped {white-space:nowrap;}
.tiddlyLinkExisting {font-weight:bold;}
.tiddlyLinkNonExisting {font-style:italic;}
/* the 'a' is required for IE, otherwise it renders the whole tiddler in bold */
a.tiddlyLinkNonExisting.shadow {font-weight:bold;}
#mainMenu .tiddlyLinkExisting,
#mainMenu .tiddlyLinkNonExisting,
#sidebarTabs .tiddlyLinkNonExisting {font-weight:normal; font-style:normal;}
#sidebarTabs .tiddlyLinkExisting {font-weight:bold; font-style:normal;}
.header {position:relative;}
.header a:hover {background:transparent;}
.headerShadow {position:relative; padding:4.5em 0em 1em 1em; left:-1px; top:-1px;}
.headerForeground {position:absolute; padding:4.5em 0em 1em 1em; left:0px; top:0px;}
.siteTitle {font-size:3em;}
.siteSubtitle {font-size:1.2em;}
#mainMenu {position:absolute; left:0; width:10em; text-align:right; line-height:1.6em; padding:1.5em 0.5em 0.5em 0.5em; font-size:1.1em;}
#sidebar {position:absolute; right:3px; width:16em; font-size:.9em;}
#sidebarOptions {padding-top:0.3em;}
#sidebarOptions a {margin:0em 0.2em; padding:0.2em 0.3em; display:block;}
#sidebarOptions input {margin:0.4em 0.5em;}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel {margin-left:1em; padding:0.5em; font-size:.85em;}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel a {font-weight:bold; display:inline; padding:0;}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel input {margin:0 0 .3em 0;}
#sidebarTabs .tabContents {width:15em; overflow:hidden;}
.wizard {padding:0.1em 1em 0em 2em;}
.wizard h1 {font-size:2em; font-weight:bold; background:none; padding:0em 0em 0em 0em; margin:0.4em 0em 0.2em 0em;}
.wizard h2 {font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold; background:none; padding:0em 0em 0em 0em; margin:0.4em 0em 0.2em 0em;}
.wizardStep {padding:1em 1em 1em 1em;}
.wizard .button {margin:0.5em 0em 0em 0em; font-size:1.2em;}
.wizardFooter {padding:0.8em 0.4em 0.8em 0em;}
.wizardFooter .status {padding:0em 0.4em 0em 0.4em; margin-left:1em;}
.wizard .button {padding:0.1em 0.2em 0.1em 0.2em;}
#messageArea {position:fixed; top:2em; right:0em; margin:0.5em; padding:0.5em; z-index:2000; _position:absolute;}
.messageToolbar {display:block; text-align:right; padding:0.2em 0.2em 0.2em 0.2em;}
#messageArea a {text-decoration:underline;}
.tiddlerPopupButton {padding:0.2em 0.2em 0.2em 0.2em;}
.popupTiddler {position: absolute; z-index:300; padding:1em 1em 1em 1em; margin:0;}
.popup {position:absolute; z-index:300; font-size:.9em; padding:0; list-style:none; margin:0;}
.popup .popupMessage {padding:0.4em;}
.popup hr {display:block; height:1px; width:auto; padding:0; margin:0.2em 0em;}
.popup li.disabled {padding:0.4em;}
.popup li a {display:block; padding:0.4em; font-weight:normal; cursor:pointer;}
.listBreak {font-size:1px; line-height:1px;}
.listBreak div {margin:2px 0;}
.tabset {padding:1em 0em 0em 0.5em;}
.tab {margin:0em 0em 0em 0.25em; padding:2px;}
.tabContents {padding:0.5em;}
.tabContents ul, .tabContents ol {margin:0; padding:0;}
.txtMainTab .tabContents li {list-style:none;}
.tabContents li.listLink { margin-left:.75em;}
#contentWrapper {display:block;}
#splashScreen {display:none;}
#displayArea {margin:1em 17em 0em 14em;}
.toolbar {text-align:right; font-size:.9em;}
.tiddler {padding:1em 1em 0em 1em;}
.missing .viewer,.missing .title {font-style:italic;}
.title {font-size:1.6em; font-weight:bold;}
.missing .subtitle {display:none;}
.subtitle {font-size:1.1em;}
.tiddler .button {padding:0.2em 0.4em;}
.tagging {margin:0.5em 0.5em 0.5em 0; float:left; display:none;}
.isTag .tagging {display:block;}
.tagged {margin:0.5em; float:right;}
.tagging, .tagged {font-size:0.9em; padding:0.25em;}
.tagging ul, .tagged ul {list-style:none; margin:0.25em; padding:0;}
.tagClear {clear:both;}
.footer {font-size:.9em;}
.footer li {display:inline;}
.annotation {padding:0.5em; margin:0.5em;}
* html .viewer pre {width:99%; padding:0 0 1em 0;}
.viewer {line-height:1.4em; padding-top:0.5em;}
.viewer .button {margin:0em 0.25em; padding:0em 0.25em;}
.viewer blockquote {line-height:1.5em; padding-left:0.8em;margin-left:2.5em;}
.viewer ul, .viewer ol {margin-left:0.5em; padding-left:1.5em;}
.viewer table, table.twtable {border-collapse:collapse; margin:0.8em 1.0em;}
.viewer th, .viewer td, .viewer tr,.viewer caption,.twtable th, .twtable td, .twtable tr,.twtable caption {padding:3px;}
table.listView {font-size:0.85em; margin:0.8em 1.0em;}
table.listView th, table.listView td, table.listView tr {padding:0px 3px 0px 3px;}
.viewer pre {padding:0.5em; margin-left:0.5em; font-size:1.2em; line-height:1.4em; overflow:auto;}
.viewer code {font-size:1.2em; line-height:1.4em;}
.editor {font-size:1.1em;}
.editor input, .editor textarea {display:block; width:100%; font:inherit;}
.editorFooter {padding:0.25em 0em; font-size:.9em;}
.editorFooter .button {padding-top:0px; padding-bottom:0px;}
.fieldsetFix {border:0; padding:0; margin:1px 0px 1px 0px;}
.sparkline {line-height:1em;}
.sparktick {outline:0;}
.zoomer {font-size:1.1em; position:absolute; overflow:hidden;}
.zoomer div {padding:1em;}
* html #backstage {width:99%;}
* html #backstageArea {width:99%;}
#backstageArea {display:none; position:relative; overflow: hidden; z-index:150; padding:0.3em 0.5em 0.3em 0.5em;}
#backstageToolbar {position:relative;}
#backstageArea a {font-weight:bold; margin-left:0.5em; padding:0.3em 0.5em 0.3em 0.5em;}
#backstageButton {display:none; position:absolute; z-index:175; top:0em; right:0em;}
#backstageButton a {padding:0.1em 0.4em 0.1em 0.4em; margin:0.1em 0.1em 0.1em 0.1em;}
#backstage {position:relative; width:100%; z-index:50;}
#backstagePanel {display:none; z-index:100; position:absolute; margin:0em 3em 0em 3em; padding:1em 1em 1em 1em;}
.backstagePanelFooter {padding-top:0.2em; float:right;}
.backstagePanelFooter a {padding:0.2em 0.4em 0.2em 0.4em;}
#backstageCloak {display:none; z-index:20; position:absolute; width:100%; height:100px;}
.whenBackstage {display:none;}
.backstageVisible .whenBackstage {display:block;}
/*}}}*/
/***
StyleSheet for use when a translation requires any css style changes.
This StyleSheet can be used directly by languages such as Chinese, Japanese and Korean which need larger font sizes.
***/
/*{{{*/
body {font-size:0.8em;}
#sidebarOptions {font-size:1.05em;}
#sidebarOptions a {font-style:normal;}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel {font-size:0.95em;}
.subtitle {font-size:0.8em;}
.viewer table.listView {font-size:0.95em;}
/*}}}*/
/*{{{*/
@media print {
#mainMenu, #sidebar, #messageArea, .toolbar, #backstageButton, #backstageArea {display: none ! important;}
#displayArea {margin: 1em 1em 0em 1em;}
/* Fixes a feature in Firefox 1.5.0.2 where print preview displays the noscript content */
noscript {display:none;}
}
/*}}}*/
<!--{{{-->
<div class='header' macro='gradient vert [[ColorPalette::PrimaryLight]] [[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]]'>
<div class='headerShadow'>
<span class='siteTitle' refresh='content' tiddler='SiteTitle'></span>
<span class='siteSubtitle' refresh='content' tiddler='SiteSubtitle'></span>
</div>
<div class='headerForeground'>
<span class='siteTitle' refresh='content' tiddler='SiteTitle'></span>
<span class='siteSubtitle' refresh='content' tiddler='SiteSubtitle'></span>
</div>
</div>
<div id='mainMenu' refresh='content' tiddler='MainMenu'></div>
<div id='sidebar'>
<div id='sidebarOptions' refresh='content' tiddler='SideBarOptions'></div>
<div id='sidebarTabs' refresh='content' force='true' tiddler='SideBarTabs'></div>
</div>
<div id='displayArea'>
<div id='messageArea'></div>
<div id='tiddlerDisplay'></div>
</div>
<!--}}}-->
<!--{{{-->
<div class='toolbar' macro='toolbar closeTiddler closeOthers +editTiddler > fields syncing permalink references jump'></div>
<div class='title' macro='view title'></div>
<div class='subtitle'><span macro='view modifier link'></span>, <span macro='view modified date'></span> (<span macro='message views.wikified.createdPrompt'></span> <span macro='view created date'></span>)</div>
<div class='tagging' macro='tagging'></div>
<div class='tagged' macro='tags'></div>
<div class='viewer' macro='view text wikified'></div>
<div class='tagClear'></div>
<!--}}}-->
<!--{{{-->
<div class='toolbar' macro='toolbar +saveTiddler -cancelTiddler deleteTiddler'></div>
<div class='title' macro='view title'></div>
<div class='editor' macro='edit title'></div>
<div macro='annotations'></div>
<div class='editor' macro='edit text'></div>
<div class='editor' macro='edit tags'></div><div class='editorFooter'><span macro='message views.editor.tagPrompt'></span><span macro='tagChooser'></span></div>
<!--}}}-->
To get started with this blank TiddlyWiki, you'll need to modify the following tiddlers:
* SiteTitle & SiteSubtitle: The title and subtitle of the site, as shown above (after saving, they will also appear in the browser title bar)
* MainMenu: The menu (usually on the left)
* DefaultTiddlers: Contains the names of the tiddlers that you want to appear when the TiddlyWiki is opened
You'll also need to enter your username for signing your edits: <<option txtUserName>>
These InterfaceOptions for customising TiddlyWiki are saved in your browser
Your username for signing your edits. Write it as a WikiWord (eg JoeBloggs)
<<option txtUserName>>
<<option chkSaveBackups>> SaveBackups
<<option chkAutoSave>> AutoSave
<<option chkRegExpSearch>> RegExpSearch
<<option chkCaseSensitiveSearch>> CaseSensitiveSearch
<<option chkAnimate>> EnableAnimations
----
Also see AdvancedOptions
Once there was a girl who loved a boy. He loved her too, but not as much.
To show him her love, she carefully crafted a porcelain figurine. When she offered it to him, he rejected it. Spurned, she turned away to find someone else who would take this precious gift. The boy's eyes widened with fear at the thought of someone else receiving the figurine and the girl's love, even though he did not want it himself, and he snatched it from her hands and dashed it to the ground.
But the girl had invested so much of herself into the figurine that when it shattered, she shattered too. And then, the boy was all alone.
Good night.
"So I have this problem," Keith said.
"Solve it!" Kevin exclaimed with a grin.
"You don't even know what it is. You don't know what the problem is or the context. Maybe there's no solution."
"Create one! Think outside the box!"
"This is horribly bad advice."
"No, no, no it isn't. You see, you're going to spend all your time telling me your problem when the solution is obvious, you just don't want to get your hands dirty and pursue it. I'm just going to call your attention to that solution, and you're going to nod and thank me and feel really uncomfortable because you're hoping that someone will give you bad advice and tell you to do the wrong, easy thing, which is what you want to do most."
"That's -"
"And since I'm not in your position and don't have to deal with the difficulty and consequences of the correct solution, I can glibly point it out to you with nothing lost on my end."
"Isn't it possible that the situation doesn't have a clear solution?"
Kevin squinted. "It's pretty unlikely. Most of the time we know what's right but out of a desire to absolve ourselves of our responsibilities we'd prefer to blame circumstances or difficulties or the always hilarious 'who we are.'"
"What?"
"You know, as in, "I'd do the blindingly obvious correct thing in this situation but it's not who I am." We cling to flimsy shreds of self-identification like scraps of wood in a tempest. We'd rather do anything than face the hard fucking truth about life and what we need to do to face it to the point of latching onto at best somewhat consistent personality traits as an escape hatch against personal responsibility. 'I'm a pacifist, I'm shy, I'm polite and nice' - all things we set up as obstacles to doing what we need to do and escaping our responsibilities. In the face of the truth, all that blasts away into dust." Kevin said.
"Next time I'm asking Kit for advice."
"Kit's a whore."
It's a hobby of mine to pursue hopeless romances with Chinese buffet waitresses.
"Drink?" she asks.
"I'd like a tall glass... of love," I say sweeping her into my arms and dancing with her to the tinny vaguely asian music playing over the restaurant speakers.
"Oh!" she says. "I do not know you."
"You don't have to. It's fate." I hand her a fortune cookie. She breaks it open. '☺Fall in love with one of your customers☺' it says. We each eat a half of the cookie and then we kiss. Everyone in the restaurant stands up and cheers and applauds.
Everything goes fine but her parents don't approve. I murder them and kidnap her, driving across the country and evading the police. Her initial hysteria is replaced by catatonia. One day I wake up in the fleabag motel we're staying in to find her gone. Her half of the bed is made and a fortune cookie rests atop the blanket. I break it open.
'☺Turn yourself into the police☺' it says. I eat one half and crumble the other in my hand. Lights flash outside. I check the action on my pistol and prepare for yet another shootout. Where has fate gotten me anyway?
Collin cried. He was miserable. His life was stupid. An angel cruised on down out of heaven on a skateboard.
"Hey man. Why sad?" the angel asked.
"I am so alone," Collin said. The angel put his arm around him and comforted him. Collin still cried.
"Are you still sad?" the angel asked.
"Yes. Nobody cares about me," Collin said.
"Dude. That is bullshit. I'm sitting, like, right here doing this whole comforting thing. Would I do that if I didn't care?"
"I -"
"Fuck you." The angel sent him to Hell. Or maybe he cut him in half with a flaming sword. I don't know. Who cares? He was a whiner anyway.
Hi. Welcome to this page. I wrote some stories. They're very short because I'm not very good at writing longer ones. I hope you like them.
This page is powered by TiddlyWiki. Maybe you'd like to use it in your own projects?
An explosion rocked the space station. Chris went hurtling into space. Helen grabbed his hand.
"Thanks Helen. You saved my life," Chris panted.
"Chris, remember that discussion we had on whether ethical and moral behavior can exist outside of an enforcing societal structure?" she asked.
"Uh."
She kicked him into space.
He screamed for awhile. "AHHHH!" he said as he spun and the stars made bright arcs around him. Eventually he hyperventilated and passed out.
When he came to, he saw the stars and marvelled. Fear became wonder. The heartless void filled him with a sense of freedom. He felt relaxed.
"This is where I was born," he whispered.
Then a satellite hit him.
Outside my window, fire was falling from the sky. I grinned and grabbed the telephone.
"Mom?!" she said.
"No, it's me."
"Oh. Braden."
"So, remember a couple years ago when we were laying in bed together and you said you wanted to be with me at the end of the world? Ta-daa!"
There was a few seconds of silence on the line, and then a buzz of static as a cell phone satellite was destroyed in orbit.
"Braden, that was awhile ago and I have a new boyfriend that's going to be with me at the end of the world. And don't you have a new girlfriend now?"
I looked around. "Yeah. She was a here a few seconds ago, but now I don't see her or her things."
She sighed.
"Let's not do this, Braden. Not with the time we have left. I loved you. I still love you. But some promises can't be kept. If we-" The phone suddenly went dead and a huge fireball blossomed on the other side of town. I stood, listening to the clicking sound the dead line made. After a minute, I gently put the phone back on its receiver, and I realized that I should have come up with a Plan B.
Bret has a real job, but sometimes he writes. He doesn't do it for money but some people keep telling him he should try. If you like what he's written, you can let him know at bret.gillan@gmail.com
/***
|''Name:''|CryptoFunctionsPlugin|
|''Description:''|Support for cryptographic functions|
***/
//{{{
if(!version.extensions.CryptoFunctionsPlugin) {
version.extensions.CryptoFunctionsPlugin = {installed:true};
//--
//-- Crypto functions and associated conversion routines
//--
// Crypto "namespace"
function Crypto() {}
// Convert a string to an array of big-endian 32-bit words
Crypto.strToBe32s = function(str)
{
var be = Array();
var len = Math.floor(str.length/4);
var i, j;
for(i=0, j=0; i<len; i++, j+=4) {
be[i] = ((str.charCodeAt(j)&0xff) << 24)|((str.charCodeAt(j+1)&0xff) << 16)|((str.charCodeAt(j+2)&0xff) << 8)|(str.charCodeAt(j+3)&0xff);
}
while (j<str.length) {
be[j>>2] |= (str.charCodeAt(j)&0xff)<<(24-(j*8)%32);
j++;
}
return be;
};
// Convert an array of big-endian 32-bit words to a string
Crypto.be32sToStr = function(be)
{
var str = "";
for(var i=0;i<be.length*32;i+=8)
str += String.fromCharCode((be[i>>5]>>>(24-i%32)) & 0xff);
return str;
};
// Convert an array of big-endian 32-bit words to a hex string
Crypto.be32sToHex = function(be)
{
var hex = "0123456789ABCDEF";
var str = "";
for(var i=0;i<be.length*4;i++)
str += hex.charAt((be[i>>2]>>((3-i%4)*8+4))&0xF) + hex.charAt((be[i>>2]>>((3-i%4)*8))&0xF);
return str;
};
// Return, in hex, the SHA-1 hash of a string
Crypto.hexSha1Str = function(str)
{
return Crypto.be32sToHex(Crypto.sha1Str(str));
};
// Return the SHA-1 hash of a string
Crypto.sha1Str = function(str)
{
return Crypto.sha1(Crypto.strToBe32s(str),str.length);
};
// Calculate the SHA-1 hash of an array of blen bytes of big-endian 32-bit words
Crypto.sha1 = function(x,blen)
{
// Add 32-bit integers, wrapping at 32 bits
add32 = function(a,b)
{
var lsw = (a&0xFFFF)+(b&0xFFFF);
var msw = (a>>16)+(b>>16)+(lsw>>16);
return (msw<<16)|(lsw&0xFFFF);
};
// Add five 32-bit integers, wrapping at 32 bits
add32x5 = function(a,b,c,d,e)
{
var lsw = (a&0xFFFF)+(b&0xFFFF)+(c&0xFFFF)+(d&0xFFFF)+(e&0xFFFF);
var msw = (a>>16)+(b>>16)+(c>>16)+(d>>16)+(e>>16)+(lsw>>16);
return (msw<<16)|(lsw&0xFFFF);
};
// Bitwise rotate left a 32-bit integer by 1 bit
rol32 = function(n)
{
return (n>>>31)|(n<<1);
};
var len = blen*8;
// Append padding so length in bits is 448 mod 512
x[len>>5] |= 0x80 << (24-len%32);
// Append length
x[((len+64>>9)<<4)+15] = len;
var w = Array(80);
var k1 = 0x5A827999;
var k2 = 0x6ED9EBA1;
var k3 = 0x8F1BBCDC;
var k4 = 0xCA62C1D6;
var h0 = 0x67452301;
var h1 = 0xEFCDAB89;
var h2 = 0x98BADCFE;
var h3 = 0x10325476;
var h4 = 0xC3D2E1F0;
for(var i=0;i<x.length;i+=16) {
var j,t;
var a = h0;
var b = h1;
var c = h2;
var d = h3;
var e = h4;
for(j = 0;j<16;j++) {
w[j] = x[i+j];
t = add32x5(e,(a>>>27)|(a<<5),d^(b&(c^d)),w[j],k1);
e=d; d=c; c=(b>>>2)|(b<<30); b=a; a = t;
}
for(j=16;j<20;j++) {
w[j] = rol32(w[j-3]^w[j-8]^w[j-14]^w[j-16]);
t = add32x5(e,(a>>>27)|(a<<5),d^(b&(c^d)),w[j],k1);
e=d; d=c; c=(b>>>2)|(b<<30); b=a; a = t;
}
for(j=20;j<40;j++) {
w[j] = rol32(w[j-3]^w[j-8]^w[j-14]^w[j-16]);
t = add32x5(e,(a>>>27)|(a<<5),b^c^d,w[j],k2);
e=d; d=c; c=(b>>>2)|(b<<30); b=a; a = t;
}
for(j=40;j<60;j++) {
w[j] = rol32(w[j-3]^w[j-8]^w[j-14]^w[j-16]);
t = add32x5(e,(a>>>27)|(a<<5),(b&c)|(d&(b|c)),w[j],k3);
e=d; d=c; c=(b>>>2)|(b<<30); b=a; a = t;
}
for(j=60;j<80;j++) {
w[j] = rol32(w[j-3]^w[j-8]^w[j-14]^w[j-16]);
t = add32x5(e,(a>>>27)|(a<<5),b^c^d,w[j],k4);
e=d; d=c; c=(b>>>2)|(b<<30); b=a; a = t;
}
h0 = add32(h0,a);
h1 = add32(h1,b);
h2 = add32(h2,c);
h3 = add32(h3,d);
h4 = add32(h4,e);
}
return Array(h0,h1,h2,h3,h4);
};
}
//}}}
"So I said, that might be your grandmother, but it's MY SUV!"
And there it was, like an audible click in his mind - the moment that the love and affection and sympathy he felt for her turned into resentment and revulsion and disgust.
"Hey! What gives?" he cried.
"Not again," she sighed.
"Things were going so good. I really love her a lot - well - loved her a lot. What the fuck is up with this?"
"Sorry," Cupid said. "The chemical I treat my arrows with is an organic compound subject to decay. We haven't perfected it yet, so it'll decompose over a period of time depending on factors like temperature, humidity, and others (we're still studying it). Sometimes, depending on the environment, it can even develop toxic qualities."
"I never knew that. Incredible!" she said. He just scowled.
"So that's all we have? That was only...," he looked at his day planner, "...three months!"
Cupid shrugged. "It could have been years. There's really no way of telling."
"But I still love him," she said.
"Don't worry," said Cupid, "His distance and revulsion will accelerate the decay of the compound in your system, but unfortunately it will also increase the toxicity level in your bloodstream. Give it time, though, and it should work itself out."
"Can't you shoot him again?"
Cupid looked worried. "I could, but a double-dose usually goes badly and results in things like arson and hostage situations. No... I think I'd better leave it alone."
"I still love you," she said. Her hand rested on his. He slowly pulled it away.
"Sorry, I used to love you but apparently I don't anymore. I guess this is good-bye." He walked away. Then he stopped and turned around, "By the way, you're a shrivel-hearted bitch."
She cried.
Death loved to ride the rollercoaster, but whenever he got on all the other passengers would get off. They would turn it on and he'd ride it by himself. When he went down inclines he would put his arms in the air and scream, but it wasn't the same. Eventually, he stopped riding and would buy cotton candy and watch from a distance. The rollercoaster went through a loop, and a man fell screaming from his seat. Death nibbled on his cotton candy. Maybe not riding the rollercoaster didn't have to be all that bad.
/***
|''Name:''|DeprecatedFunctionsPlugin|
|''Description:''|Support for deprecated functions removed from core|
***/
//{{{
if(!version.extensions.DeprecatedFunctionsPlugin) {
version.extensions.DeprecatedFunctionsPlugin = {installed:true};
//--
//-- Deprecated code
//--
// @Deprecated: Use createElementAndWikify and this.termRegExp instead
config.formatterHelpers.charFormatHelper = function(w)
{
w.subWikify(createTiddlyElement(w.output,this.element),this.terminator);
};
// @Deprecated: Use enclosedTextHelper and this.lookaheadRegExp instead
config.formatterHelpers.monospacedByLineHelper = function(w)
{
var lookaheadRegExp = new RegExp(this.lookahead,"mg");
lookaheadRegExp.lastIndex = w.matchStart;
var lookaheadMatch = lookaheadRegExp.exec(w.source);
if(lookaheadMatch && lookaheadMatch.index == w.matchStart) {
var text = lookaheadMatch[1];
if(config.browser.isIE)
text = text.replace(/\n/g,"\r");
createTiddlyElement(w.output,"pre",null,null,text);
w.nextMatch = lookaheadRegExp.lastIndex;
}
};
// @Deprecated: Use <br> or <br /> instead of <<br>>
config.macros.br = {};
config.macros.br.handler = function(place)
{
createTiddlyElement(place,"br");
};
// Find an entry in an array. Returns the array index or null
// @Deprecated: Use indexOf instead
Array.prototype.find = function(item)
{
var i = this.indexOf(item);
return i == -1 ? null : i;
};
// Load a tiddler from an HTML DIV. The caller should make sure to later call Tiddler.changed()
// @Deprecated: Use store.getLoader().internalizeTiddler instead
Tiddler.prototype.loadFromDiv = function(divRef,title)
{
return store.getLoader().internalizeTiddler(store,this,title,divRef);
};
// Format the text for storage in an HTML DIV
// @Deprecated Use store.getSaver().externalizeTiddler instead.
Tiddler.prototype.saveToDiv = function()
{
return store.getSaver().externalizeTiddler(store,this);
};
// @Deprecated: Use store.allTiddlersAsHtml() instead
function allTiddlersAsHtml()
{
return store.allTiddlersAsHtml();
}
// @Deprecated: Use refreshPageTemplate instead
function applyPageTemplate(title)
{
refreshPageTemplate(title);
}
// @Deprecated: Use story.displayTiddlers instead
function displayTiddlers(srcElement,titles,template,unused1,unused2,animate,unused3)
{
story.displayTiddlers(srcElement,titles,template,animate);
}
// @Deprecated: Use story.displayTiddler instead
function displayTiddler(srcElement,title,template,unused1,unused2,animate,unused3)
{
story.displayTiddler(srcElement,title,template,animate);
}
// @Deprecated: Use functions on right hand side directly instead
var createTiddlerPopup = Popup.create;
var scrollToTiddlerPopup = Popup.show;
var hideTiddlerPopup = Popup.remove;
// @Deprecated: Use right hand side directly instead
var regexpBackSlashEn = new RegExp("\\\\n","mg");
var regexpBackSlash = new RegExp("\\\\","mg");
var regexpBackSlashEss = new RegExp("\\\\s","mg");
var regexpNewLine = new RegExp("\n","mg");
var regexpCarriageReturn = new RegExp("\r","mg");
}
//}}}
"AHHHHH!" Collin unloaded an entire clip into Jack, but he kept coming.
"Dude could you just give me a ride to the grocery store?" Jack asked.
"Fine. Fine. Okay." Collin was out of bullets.
"Ow. Ow. Ow." Nathan punched himself in the face repeatedly. "Ow."
"Why are you doing that?" Natalie asked.
"I did it once because I thought it would be fun. Now I can't stop! Ow," Nathan said.
Natalie revved up a chainsaw. "Guess that arm should probably go then, huh?"
"Hold on! Ow," Nathan said. "Let's be reasonable about this. Think of all the good things this arm does! Ow. Ow. I use it to pet puppies. Ow. I punch bad guys with it. Ow. I masturbate with this arm! Don't take my jerkoff arm! Ow."
Natalie looked skeptical. "But it's causing you pain."
"Ow. Eventually it'll stop. Ow. I can wait until then. Ow. And if it doesn't, I'll just grow a new one by splicing alien genetics I got from a UFO crash site."
Natalie looked doubtful, so he vaporized her with his laser beam eyes.
*AllAlone
*AstronautInSpace
*AtTheEndOfHistory
*ABedtimeStory
*AConversation
*CupidsArrow
*DeathRidesTheRollercoaster
*EmptyClip
*FacePunching
*GenderEssentialism
*GreatCouple
*AHobby
*IDontBelieveInMedicine
*IfYouLovedMeYoudForgiveMyHomicidalTendencies
*TheImpossibleMission
*KitsAWhore
*TheKnight
*MyConversationWithDeath
*MySuperpower
*TheMonster?
*TheNews
*OvercomingThePast
*OverDue
*ThePurging
*TheQuest
*StolenGirlfriend
*TheTiniestExecutioner
*TrueLove
*WeCanWorkItOut
Nathan wanted a girfriend. Unfortunately, there were problems.
He went out to video game arcades to meet them. Unfortunately EVERY SINGLE WOMAN IN THE WORLD went out to dance clubs.
He put on his coolest anime t-shirt to attract their attention. Unfortunately EVERY SINGLE WOMAN IN THE WORLD only liked men who dressed like the guys in GQ.
He read up on medieval history, hoping it would give him something to talk to them about. Unfortunately, EVERY SINGLE WOMAN IN THE WORLD only liked to talk about shopping and cute boys.
Frustrated, Nathan became a homosexual. Unfortunately, he didn't like to wear pink boas. The gay men tore him limb from limb.
"I'm gonna kill myself!" Keith said. "Check this out!" He put a gun in his mouth and painted the wall with his brains. And blood. And pieces of skull. Is that an awesome way of describing it or what?
"Holy shit!" said Kevin.
"Keith, no!" screamed Kit.
"I know. It's terrible. You're gonna feel like shit now that I'm gone," Keith said. "Especially you, Kit! You made me all jealous and stuff. Now this happened!"
"Nooooo," said Kit.
"Mmhmm," said Keith.
They stood around. It was awkward.
"I feel really terrible," said Kit. "I'm gonna do this now." She jumped off a bridge and splattered and cracked all over the rocks. "Kit! Oh my God," said Kevin.
"Aww," Keith said. "That was so sweet of her. She really cared about me."
"These are not reasonable things to do!" Kevin's voice cracked.
"What? Haven't you ever read Romeo and Juliet?" said Kit.
"Yeah, I think it's pretty romantic that we did this," said Keith.
"Though admittedly if we felt so passionately about each other it would have been nice to be together and alive so we could enjoy it." "We were a great couple," agreed Kit.
"Argh! Get these coyotes off of me," said Keith.
"Argh!" said Kit before being eaten by buzzards.
Kevin made new friends.
Andy had a headache. This was unfortunate because it caused the heads of everyone around him to explode. He apologized every time that it happened, but they were still dead.
"Why don't you take some aspirin?" asked Ben before his head exploded.
"I don't believe in it. Sorry." Andy was splattered with Ben's brain matter and bits of skull.
"But... dude. You're making everyone's heads explode," said Chris before his head exploded.
"Yes... but I'm apologizing for it!" said Andy as he was showered with Chris's gore.
"But if you continue along a course of action that causes you to apologize regularly, and you were sincerely regretful, wouldn't you do something to ensure -" Dave was interrupted by his head exploding.
"What Dave was trying to say-" Ed's head also exploded.
"You guys are right. It seems insincere to apologize but to keep allowing your heads to explode. I'll take some aspirin." His friends were too dead to thank him.
"There!" he said, washing the blood off his hands. "It's done. I've killed every man in the world who could possibly pose a threat to our relationship."
"I'm bisexual," she said.
"Back to work!"
"Would everyone who wants to have sex with me please stand on the left side of the auditorium, and everyone who doesn't want to have sex with me please stand on the right side." There was a lot of shuffling and mumuring and confusion in the crowd.
"This isn't working," Kit said away from the microphone. "There's too many people in here."
"That's because this auditorium contains everyone in the world," said the Devil. "Are you sure you don't want to just have sex with all of them? They're all here and you won't have all these organizational problems."
"I'm not going to say I don't want to, but it's wrong to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have - hey, is that my father trying to get to the left side of the auditorium?"
"Maybe you're just lacking in ambition," said the Devil.
"It's true, 'I had sex with everyone in the world' sounds like a much more significant accomplishment than 'I had sex with everyone in the world who also wanted to have sex with me,' but trust me, it's the right thing to do," said Kit.
"I've never made that a priority," said the Devil. "So aren't you worried that doing this might, you know, cheapen sex for you or somesuch? How can someone be special to you intimately when they're just one partner amongst many?"
"Because love and intimacy aren't relative. Loving someone, physically or emotionally, isn't diminished by standing alongside the love we have for others. Stop viewing sex as one encounter amongst many, and see it instead as one moment alone, frozen in time, totally unique and precious and beautiful."
"That's very poetic but you and all your partners are monkeys, chained to the lizardbrain and all the Darwinian devices it's accumulated to make sure your genetics are the ones that are passed on. Hence, sexual jealousy." said the Devil as he threw condoms to the crowd.
"But self-awareness allows us to overcome that. We can identify ideas and emotions we experience as rational or irrational and if they're irrational, discard them." said Kit.
"Only if you sacrifice emotions as meaningful. You can't say that pain is to be disregarded without saying, on some level, that all the joy and happiness and love can't as easily be discarded either. Doesn't that make them ultimately meaningless?" the Devil asked, "And isn't that your boyfriend Keith systematically killing every male in the room?"
"I love him so much."
/***
|''Name:''|LegacyStrikeThroughPlugin|
|''Description:''|Support for legacy (pre 2.1) strike through formatting|
|''Version:''|1.0.2|
|''Date:''|Jul 21, 2006|
|''Source:''|http://www.tiddlywiki.com/#LegacyStrikeThroughPlugin|
|''Author:''|MartinBudden (mjbudden (at) gmail (dot) com)|
|''License:''|[[BSD open source license]]|
|''CoreVersion:''|2.1.0|
***/
//{{{
// Ensure that the LegacyStrikeThrough Plugin is only installed once.
if(!version.extensions.LegacyStrikeThroughPlugin) {
version.extensions.LegacyStrikeThroughPlugin = {installed:true};
config.formatters.push(
{
name: "legacyStrikeByChar",
match: "==",
termRegExp: /(==)/mg,
element: "strike",
handler: config.formatterHelpers.createElementAndWikify
});
} //# end of "install only once"
//}}}
AnIntro
FlashFiction
BretGillan
"Why would a fool summon Death into his home?"
"To ask a question: one with achievement and knowledge, one who has known true love, and one who has found contentment in nothing - whose soul tastes the sweetest?"
"They all taste the same, but who has found contentment is generally the most polite about it."
I am completely invulnerable. I use this power to become a star of television and movies. One of my greatest stunts is being dropped into the Grand Canyon from a helicopter.
I receive extreme pressure from the government to be involved in military training and deployment. I refuse, publically citing pacifism. Peace lovers and war objectors love me, hawks call me a coward and despise me for all the good I could but refuse to do for my country. Oddly enough, my power brings me fame and infamy not for my ability to live fearless of death, but for the controversy over what exactly I should be doing with it.
Stressed out, I seek out more and more extreme tests of my power. I participate in dangerous sports, getting tackled by some of the heaviest linebackers in the NFL. I'm a guest star on nature shows where the most popular footage of my powers - wrestling with a grizzly bear and laughing while it mauled me - originated. But eventually, eventually, I become totally numb. An overload of adrenaline combined with a complete lack of fear make me emotionally deadened. Finally, in an act of ennui, I agree to be launched into the atmosphere in a space shuttle designed to break up when it reaches an extreme height. In an accident that many individuals accuse the government of doing on purpose, the shuttle breaks up over the Atlantic Ocean. I plummet flaming into the water and am never seen again. I'm presumed drowned and dead, or perhaps I sank to the bottom, entangled with a heavy metal piece of the spaceship and I'm pinned and trapped, going completely insane. Or maybe in the darkness and the cold, I just rest and listen to the sound of the water.
The two guns hung in the air. Sweat trickled down Bernadette's nose, collecting on the lower rim of his glasses and blood puddled at her feet from the graze on her arm. "It doesn't have to happen like this Stewart. There's enough money for both of us."
"A year of overdue fines? Probably. But you're the head of mathematical subject acquisitions - you know that one-hundred percent is greater than fifty. Besides I never meant for you to make it this far."
"You mean-"
"That's right. I was the one who sold you out to campus security. I just never expected you to be such a quick shot with a pistol."
"I guess I got lucky."
"Your luck just ran out. I've spent every Friday for the last six months at the firing range."
Bernadette's shoulders sagged. "I thought we-"
Stewart laughed. "I played you from the beginning. Everything I said, everything you thought we had. It was all to get me to Cancun with a fat wad of spending money. And you ate it all up - miss prim and proper, just looking for a chance to cut loose. Just looking for someone to love you in spite of your anal-retentive attention to details."
Bernadette nodded sadly. She pulled the trigger. Stewart jerked as the bullet struck him. He pulled the trigger and an click rang out. He fell to the ground moaning. Bernedette walked over and stood beside him.
"Your pistol holds twenty bullets. In the gunfight, you fired twenty. Anal retentive attention to details may not get me love, but it just got me a sack of money. Enough to buy me an abortion as soon as I get to Cancun."
Stewart's eyes went wide. "You're-" Bernadette's gun fired and he never completed the sentence.
"Listen, man. I'm not trying to create an antagonistic situation here or anything. Me and Stephanie have been going for awhile now-"
"A year," Jared said.
"Uh, yeah. Yeah, we've been together for a year."
"She told me," Jared said.
"Eh-heh." Greg grimaced. "Yeah, see that's sort of the thing. I know you guys are friends and that's cool, but you're really close and you guys have a history. I know you were involved and she was really into you. I worry that she still sort of is."
"Oooh," Jared nodded. "I see where this is going. I'll tell you what you should do - you should murder me."
"What?"
"Any time I get involved with a girl I murder all her ex-lovers. Then I never have this problem. Is she still into him? Doesn't matter - he's dead! Is he still into her? Doesn't matter - he's dead! Here." Jared handed Greg a machete.
Greg dropped it, "Are you crazy? No! I'm not killing anyone. I just wanted to talk. And where did you get that machete from?"
"Here, try wearing this hockey mask. I find it helps to distance me from the horror and from my own humanity. The first time is always the hardest!" Jared bent over and stretched his neck out.
"This is extreme. Stop this." Greg started backing away, the hockey mask in shaking hands. It had bloodstains on it.
"How about I come at you and, like, attack you. That way it'll be self-defense!" Jared held his hands up in a predatory manner, like a tiger. Rawr.
Greg ran. He cut down a back alley. He kept looking over his shoulder panting. He ran and ran. It was good exercise. He came out of the alley and barrelled headfirst into someone.
"Oh shit! I'm so sorry."
The woman pulled herself off the ground. "Don't worr - Greg?"
"Angela?"
"Oh my God! How have you been?"
"I'm... uh. How are you?" Greg panted.
"I'm doing great. You know, things were hard for awhile after you left but I moved on."
Greg nodded and wheezed.
"I've actually just started seeing someone. He - oh, here he comes."
Through the sweat in his eyes, Greg saw a hockey mask and the flash of a machete before his head rolled across the sidewalk.
They All Died Happily Ever After
/***
|''Name:''|SparklinePlugin|
|''Description:''|Sparklines macro|
***/
//{{{
if(!version.extensions.SparklinePlugin) {
version.extensions.SparklinePlugin = {installed:true};
//--
//-- Sparklines
//--
config.macros.sparkline = {};
config.macros.sparkline.handler = function(place,macroName,params)
{
var data = [];
var min = 0;
var max = 0;
var v;
for(var t=0; t<params.length; t++) {
v = parseInt(params[t]);
if(v < min)
min = v;
if(v > max)
max = v;
data.push(v);
}
if(data.length < 1)
return;
var box = createTiddlyElement(place,"span",null,"sparkline",String.fromCharCode(160));
box.title = data.join(",");
var w = box.offsetWidth;
var h = box.offsetHeight;
box.style.paddingRight = (data.length * 2 - w) + "px";
box.style.position = "relative";
for(var d=0; d<data.length; d++) {
var tick = document.createElement("img");
tick.border = 0;
tick.className = "sparktick";
tick.style.position = "absolute";
tick.src = "data:image/gif,GIF89a%01%00%01%00%91%FF%00%FF%FF%FF%00%00%00%C0%C0%C0%00%00%00!%F9%04%01%00%00%02%00%2C%00%00%00%00%01%00%01%00%40%02%02T%01%00%3B";
tick.style.left = d*2 + "px";
tick.style.width = "2px";
v = Math.floor(((data[d] - min)/(max-min)) * h);
tick.style.top = (h-v) + "px";
tick.style.height = v + "px";
box.appendChild(tick);
}
};
}
//}}}
"That's a nice girlfriend, man. Where'd you get it?" Dave asked. Dan held out the girlfriend so they could both examine it while they walked.
"Yeah, you like it? Darryl came by and then left it at my house."
"No way! Who leaves a girlfriend like that just laying around?"
"That's what I'm saying," Dan said. "So I played with it until he came back to get it and he was pissed. He told me I could keep it and stormed off."
"Well, that's kind of not cool, dude. You should probably get him a new one."
"Yeah, well, I'm keeping an eye out. In the meantime he won't even talk to me." Dave nodded.
"Hey, let's take a shortcut down this dark and probably dangerous alley," Dave said. Dan nodded and they turned.
"Hand over your wallets and watches and nobody gets hurt!" The mugger pointed a pistol at them. "And you, hand over the girlfriend!"
"Fuck you, you're not getting this girlfriend!" Dan shouted.
"Holy shit, Dan, give him the girlfriend. It's not worth your life." Dave handed his wallet and watch to the mugger.
"I will fucking shoot you dead, listen to your friend."
"Fuck him! I just got this girlfriend. No way in Hell am I going to turn it over to some scumbag."
The mugger shot Dan in the kneecap and he fell to the ground howling.
The mugger snatched the girlfriend and took off into the night.
"The knee will heal, but the girlfriend belonged to me!"
"Dan, I hate to say this, but it's gone. A next-to-nothing percentage of cases like this that get reported to the police actually result in the girlfriend being returned," Dave said. He poked through the get-well cards next to Dan's hospital bed. "Sorry you got shot!" read one.
"I just got that girlfriend," Dan pouted.
"Well then, maybe this will cheer you up," Dave pulled a brand new girlfriend out from behind his back.
"Dave, you're my best friend!"
Sidearm and ammunition. Check. Garrote wire. Check. Kevlar vest. Check. Nightvision goggles. Check. Begin mission.
Taking out the guard was no problem. An empty stairwell. Slipping out of the shadows. Depriving his brain of oxygen until his bodily functions ceased. Stowing the body in a janitor's closet.
Disabling the security system was no problem. Cut the alarm mechanism. Kill the camera feeds. An office building like this will blame a system malfunction - not an intruder.
Making his way to his destination was no problem. Lots of shadows. Lots of small halls places to duck and hide. Both the people who saw him, a woman in a black dress and a man in a suit with graying temples, were killed with a silenced pistol before they could even figure out what this man in black was.
He entered the room where his target was. A man had sex with a woman on a desk. The man cried out in surprise.
"Anna. I love you. I want you back," he said, his voice muffled by the black ski mask. He pulled a crushed bouquet of flowers from underneath the kevlar. A little note was attached to them that said, "Anna, please come home. Love, Agent Andrew." A heart was drawn on it.
The man fainted and fell to the ground, his pants around his ankles. The woman flushed red and pulled her underwear up. She got off the desk and walked over to Agent Andrew, slapping him across his ski-masked face. She took the bouquet and threw it in the garbage.
"I don't love you anymore Agent Andrew. I've moved on. And I'm having sex with everyone but you."
Agent Andrew stood still for a moment, then nodded. Then he bit into the cyanide tablet in the hidden compartment in his tooth. It was there in case he broke under torture.
The knight stood on a battlefield. He fought and he fought, for from the battlefield he could see his maiden standing on the castle wall watching him. Each time he looked at her, love shone in his eyes and he fought harder. Blood covered his sword and armor. So much of it was his but he kept fighting.
Then he looked at the castle wall and saw that his maiden was talking to the devil. She laughed and put her hand on his shoulder and her mouth to his ear. The knight's heart fell. The blade of his sword hit the ground and he sank to his knees. His wounds were great and he was tired. He moved to lay down and die.
But then from the wall he saw her looking at him. Tears shown in her eyes. Were they tears of sadness at seeing her hero so close to the end, or tears of mirth at the devil's jokes? He didn't know, but even the mere possibility of her pain sent him back up onto his feet. He fought harder. His sword arm burned. His blood poured out of him. He didn't stop.
A sword pierced his heart. Not even love could carry him. He fell down to the earth, and in his last moments he looked to the wall. His maiden was gone, as was the devil.
Was his fight worth fighting?
"Rawr! Rawrrawr! RawrrawrrawrRAWR!" said the monster.
"Have you ever considered not being a monster?" said the man.
"No," said the monster. Then it ate him.
SPECIAL DIRECTOR'S CUT ALTERNATE ENDING:
"Rawr! Rawrrawr! RawrrawrrawrRAWR!" said the monster.
"Have you ever considered not being a monster?" said the man.
"In my childhood, I considered being a priest. I found myself often faced with a kind of existential confusion and a deep desire to reach communion with God. Perhaps in a life of service to God I could find a way to speak to him, and help to guide others out of their own confusion," said the monster. Then it ate him.
"TANK BLOWS UP CHILD" read the headline. A photograph showed a small child with a teddy bear peering curiously into the end of a tank's enormous metal barrel. "Annie May Cutebutt, five seconds before detonation," read the caption.
"Liberal distortion and misrepresentation! Once again you have the America-hating media undermining the efforts of our troops" thundered Pundit Blowharder. "Our sources tell a different story than what's being reported in what the liberal media is offensively calling 'the Babysplatter Affair.'"
"Uh. Yeah. She was all, like, screaming for blood and *bleep.*" The banner under the pimply-faced soldier's face read, 'Pvt. Weenie Parts, Witnessed Suicidal Baby Terrorist Attack.' "And, uh, she was shouting 'This teddy bear is actually a bomb that can blow up your tank and, uh, cause major casualties to your side and *bleep.*'"
"There you have it, and I'd like to point out that POX News is the only station currently reporting the compelling story of Private Parts. Why? Because the liberal media wants to turn you against these troops and their act of heroism. And why is that? It's sick, really, but I'll tell you. Sensationalism gets ratings."
He turned to face a different camera. "In other news, a high school teacher was discovered to be having sex sex sexy sex sex with one of her students after his parents found her sexy sex sex sex comments on one of his essays for class. Our invasive and detailed report after these messages."
"Pop music and blockbuster movies made me do this!" were Gary Garrison's last words before the cops riddled him with bullets. The shootout had gone on for half an hour before it reached its bloody conclusion. On his body was found two Madonna albums and The Titanic on DVD.
It didn't take long for the news to whip up a frenzy. Pundits decried the violent influence of boy bands and divas. The latest Leonardo DiCaprio in which his character endorses a violent course of action ("Sometimes I get so mad I want to start crying and kick someone in the shin!") was pulled from theaters. And in one of the most bizarre moments of the time, Tom Cruise was found hanging from a streetlamp, bound and gagged and wearing only a diaper with "Remember Gary Garrison" tattooed on his face. And then things escalated.
In some ways they were dark times. MTV studios burned in a fire that could be seen from space. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were gunned down in a drive-by. To this day they say that Britney Spears is still in her underground bunker, armed with enough weapons to conquer a third world country and driven mad by the darkness.
Who knows what will emerge out of this - a renaissance of art and thinking, or an oppressive, entertainment-free gray state - but a look at the old tapes unmistakably show to those who are looking for it Gary Garrison's broad grin as he fell to the ground.
Once upon a time, there was a knight named Sir Solomon. He rode through a dark wood on his white stallion, Peppermint, to rescue the Princess Rose who was locked in a tower by the evil witch of the land.
"Where do you travel to, sir knight?" asked a forest goblin.
"I will answer your question because you've done me no harm, but once it is answered leave me. I have no time for mischievous spirits. I travel to the evil witch's tower to rescue the Princess Rose. Now begone."
"Of what concern is the fate of Princess Rose to you, sir knight? You cannot be family for they all died of grief long ago. You cannot be a friend for the spell of forgetting the witch cast at the Princess's birth caused all who knew her to forget of her. You cannot be a lover for the Princess only recently came into womanhood and has seen no man since the witch spirited away her crib. Of what concern is the fate of Princess Rose to you, sir knight?" asked the goblin.
"I am a knight," said Sir Solomon, "and it is my duty and honor to brave dangers and dark magics to rescue the innocent."
"Come now sir knight," said the goblin as he cartwheeled behind Peppermint. "I am not a fool to the nature of men. It was tales of her virgin beauty that led you into these dark woods."
Sir Solomon stiffened and reached for his sword.
"Little beast!"
"Beware, sir knight. It is bad luck to kill a spirit of the forest through which you seek safe passage and I merely wished to warn you."
Sir Solomon relaxed his grip on his sword but his eyes remained flinty.
"You are a born noble, sir knight, educated in the ways of philosophy as well as the ways of battle so surely my words will ring true to you," implored the goblin.
"Speak then, fork-tongued sprite, but I know of your kind's love of lies," warned Sir Solomon.
"No lies, only questions sir knight," said the goblin. "If no man has seen the Princess, how can it be said that she is beautiful?"
"Um," said Sir Solomon.
"If the Princess has been locked in the tower since birth, how could she have received the sunlight, fresh air, and exercise that a noblewoman needs to maintain her beauty and constitution?"
"Uh." Sir Solomon grew pale.
"Perhaps the Princess is flabby with translucent skin and blue veins. Perhaps her mind is cracked and warped from being locked alone in a tower for so very long. And who knows what perverse molestations the evil witch inflict-"
"Enough!" Sir Solomon's voice cracked. "I mean, it has occurred to me that it's likely the Princess was sacrificed in one of the witch's dark magicks, or perhaps the witch ate her in order to absorb her beauty. Yes! Ate her!"
The goblin stared.
"My time would be better spent helping someone who was still alive to have need of it. Ho Peppermint! Let us return to our kingdom!"
The goblin watched the knight turn around and head back the way he came. After he'd disappeared into the woods, the evil witch appeared and rested her hand on the goblin's head.
"You have done well, my servant. No way was that fucking douchebag good enough for our princess." The goblin farted.
"We, uh - this can't happen again." The governor scratched his head.
"Why not? He's trained. He performed the last execution well. What does it matter as long as these scumbags are cooking?" said the warden.
"He's just - well, look at the newspaper."
TINY EXECUTIONER ON THE JOB! The photograph showed Jerry Chaps, 3'10", at the switch.
"He's a wee little thing," the governor says. "We want to look like we're taking this seriously."
"Oh, he's serious," said the warden. "Isn't that right Jerry?"
Jerry looked serious.
"Just... next time, no clown makeup."
Jerry did a cartwheel.
"Congratulations again on fifty years together. Now, before we go to Kevin for the weather, could you let our viewers in on how you've managed to keep up such a long, harmonious marriage?"
The old man nodded and clasped his wife's wrinkled hand within his. "Both of us are deceitful and gullible."
Otis was a zombie. "Rarrrgh." He said. "Rarrrrrgh."
Janessa was his girlfriend. She loved Otis even though he was a zombie. However, since he was a zombie he didn't really care much about her. He didn't buy her flowers. He didn't take her out on dates. The sex was horrible. All he did was eat her loved ones and pets. Even Mr. Sprinkles.
"Mr. Sprinkles! Nooooo!" Janessa screamed.
Their relationship was having major problems, and Janessa knew it was her fault. She wasn't doing everything she could to make it work. But she had an idea.
"Now things will finally work. We can understand each other!" She OD'ed on Pepcid AC and died. Unfortunately, that's not how zombies get made, so she was just plain old dead. Then Otis ate her.
If death wasn't just a dark, consciousless void, this would have pleased Janessa. They'd be together after all.